In Greece, there is a word called Kefi. In rough translation, it means passion, joy, spirited. For most of my life, I could be easily be described by even mere acquaintances as having Kefi. But honestly…probably not recently.
I’m actually ashamed to even be sharing this with you, because it’s almost as if I’m admitting I’ve lost a part of myself. The last time I was truly happy and relaxed was a hot summer night in Chiang Mai, after filling my arms with Roti covered in Nutella and bananas. I’ve then cruised through this summer, losing more and more of my passion, my drive. It wasn’t just my business affected, it was my personal relationships, my health, everything. I was still pumping out more and more gorgeous images, but the enthusiasm wasn’t truly there.
So I’ve spent the past few days trying to dig within myself, to figure out WHY my passion, my dearly cherished Kefi, has disappeared. As a result, I’ve learned a LOT about myself. First, I’m very very goal oriented. But my 101 things to do in 1000 days is growing old. I want new goals, because I don’t know how many more of those I can do. I mean, will I really be able to work a CELEBRITY? When will I even get a chance to do a photography workshop? Maybe my goals need a refreshment. Maybe I need new things to work towards. Would it be giving up if I scrapped my old list and made a new one? One that reflects 2014 Jenna, not 2012 Jenna?
I don’t know how I lost my passion. Maybe it’s been worn down through working 50+ hours a week on school and photography for three straight years. Maybe it was too many times giving 100% and receiving a pat on the head in return. The other day, I was asked about my hobbies and frankly, aside from reading, I couldn’t name a single one. Sure, I like hiking and snorkeling…but I do them maybe once a month. If I’m lucky.
So I’m a hobby-less, passionless person who photographs happy people in Hawaii. I really feel like that entire sentence is a run-on contradiction. Don’t you?
I’m struggling, you guys. I love my job and I KNOW I’m lucky. I love all of my clients and give 100% all the time. But I’ll probably slip up sooner rather than later if I don’t figure out how to become happy again. And I mean HAPPY. I mean driving down the road with a stupid grin on my face. I mean sitting on the beach and not having a clawing beast of anxiety in my chest. I mean dancing around without pants on, like I used to.
I make vows in this blog. Sometimes, I don’t follow through. It’s human and I doubt you’ve noticed. I’m counting on that sometimes. But today? I’m making a vow to myself to find my Kefi again. I just bought a standup paddleboard, I’m making plans to go scuba diving this weekend AND I bought a kite. I’m giving my life a huge jumpstart. I’m going to revive the guts of my soul and I WILL remember what it’s like to have passion again. Just wait.
Here are some photos of me where I remember being completely happy taking them. All in different part of my life in the past two years. Here’s hoping for more soon enough…